PLEASE bring the bill. It’s an emergency!

You know how in My Best Friend’s Girl, Dustin asks his friend Tank to go on a date with his crush and be an absolute dick so that she realises what a nice guy Dustin is? Well, I feel like I’d just been on a date with Tank (a far less attractive version of Tank). Okay, so there was no gangster music or a stripper pole but sentiment was the same: that of the worst date ever.

I used to think I’m a pretty good judge of character… well, after tonight, that thought got extinguished pretty quickly. To be fair, he wasn’t a dick at all. He was quite nice but just… weird. 

When he got up to greet me, I thought he was about to fall over. He was just that wimpy. It was like his body was a giant liquourice stick, floppy and spineless. Just as I got over the initial shock, I was met by another. The way he spoke was too slow and deliberate, it was like talking to a serial killer who was about to prep his prey. Within the first 2 minutes of getting there, I’d already wanted to leave. 

We spoke about the usual things people speak about when they’re trying to get to know someone. At this point I found out he:
1. Lives at home
2. Doesn’t have a degree
3. Doesn’t really party, and when he does, it’s in the Northern Suburbs
4. Works as an account assistant for a tax consultant

He sort of berated me for not remembering his profession. To be fair, he said something along the lines of “I am in finance, just like you”. Okay, firstly, I’m a CA working at a top asset management company. I don’t think his career is anywhere like mine. But I digress. 

The food came and I did a little celebratory dance as it meant there was something to distract me from him and that the time to leave was drawing closer. I finished my sole in record time and patiently waited. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and made a quick excuse to go to the ladies. While downstairs, I flagged down the waitress in a state of panic and desperation. “Please! Just bring the bill. The date is going horribly.” 

The waitress was top notch and brought the bill ASAP (thank the pope). He didn’t offer to pay which was expected. He actually studied bill for quite some time and with a lot of intensity. Not sure why, there were literally four things on the slip… Eventually I got tired of waiting and took the slip from him, at which point he made some remark and I couldn’t remember what he said but I got the impression that he thought I was not doing a good job of adding up the bill. Seriously? 

I literally could not make my getaway any faster. I felt so relieved when I walked out of that restaurant. He mentioned something about seeing me again and in my head I was just thinking, oh hell no.